Fuck...

I love joe so much.  like, i feel weird saying it though, and the things he does to me make me feel so confused...

He makes me feel motivated to starve, and he makes me feel like taking better care of my self for his sake at the same time.  he reminds me to eat a lot, and is always asking, but he also keeps telling me how good i've been looking lately. 

i can't stand the way i am now, i'm a fuckin' tubby, it's just a fact, i've been sick so long my metabolism is all fucked up and has been since i was nine, no matter what diet i did i never ever lost weight till i started just cutting back hard and i'm not about to stop.

i was sitting at work the other day, and my tummy kept on making funny noises at me, and feeling a little clenchy, and... i really loved that feeling.

you know when you haven't eaten anything for a day or so and your tummy feels all weird and kinda warm or hot? like, a glow inside, i'm not sure what that feeling is, but i love it.

i have seven weeks to lose as much as possible, joe is at camp and i'm getting to work, i want to drop just as much as possible. 

i don't want to hate my self when he touches me...

i don't want to feel like my body is beyond my own control.

i want to own my self a little more, and feel like i'm headed in the right direction.

this week has sucked, i did ok during work, but that fucker blain was driving me nuts even thursday night and i started binging even before the work week was over... fuckin' burritos.

i am never buying one of those vegan burritos, they're too fucking much, and i am gonna stop eating rice crackers, cause they're fuckin' made of crack...  they seem like such a nice snack, low calorie-ish and crunchy, but their starch, and starch is such a pointless thing to eat anyway plus, when i start eating those things i just don't stop... i think i ate like 600 calories of rice crackers.

i wasn't even hungry, my tummy *hurt* and i still ate more... i felt so disgusted with my self...

i don't think i lost anything this last week due to my weakness.

i'm feeling highly motivated though, i'm gonna go to the store tomorrow and just buy lots and lots of viso, and maybe a little broth or something for work as well as some limes, which should get my through my shifts without making me so weird and sick i can't get any work done.

gohd... i miss joe, and am insane glad i'll have some space for a bit.

i've been so bad lately, all i want to do is cut, and i know i'd regret it later if i did...

not gonna cut, just gonna fast.

*smiles* i am gonna work out now,

I'm totally torn...

I think i'm totally in love.  which is really weird, but, lovely in many ways.

every time i even imagine his eyes on me i feel disgusted with my self, even more so than when i look in the mirror.

the weight kills me, but it feels like just one of a slew of problems, every time i think about my body as it is and compare it to what i'd like my heart breaks a little.

i do feel so much better in the last months, ever since i went vegan i've felt so much better.

i don't know if that's cause i lost weight from not eating or if it's really cause of the veganism...

i don't know that i really care.  at this point i just love watching the number on my scale drop.

i can't really see the changes in my body... but i can feel that i'm smaller and i can see the number getting smaller, so until i can see the changes that will have to be enough.

Joe started noticing i wasn't eating...

i didn't really think he would.  no one else had, and, i didn't think he'd think of it or notice.

i was touched that he did, but it also makes things harder, cause now he's gonna be asking questions and worried about me... 

i cant understand why he loves me so much.

if i'd known his last girl friend had eating issues too i'd have been more careful... i just never thought he'd notice at all.  i feel remarkably guilty for thinking he wouldn't notice, i should have known he would, he's so sweet and really does pay so  much attention sometimes.

i'm not done though, my goal weight is still so far away and for both his sake and mine i really need to make it all the way down.

god i'm scared he's gonna make this really hard.

I’m a contradiction to my self, and because of that every moment hurts.  I’m always trying to go in every direction at once, and my body can only pull so many ways at once before it breaks.  Shatters.

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I don’t know how to examine my self anymore, how much honesty is really correct, where’s a moral line I can hide behind to give my self comfort.

I want to hide, to cower under some kind of protective cover, where i can’t be reached and i can be in peace.

The thin is...  I hate my self so much sometimes I can hardly believe I’m still alive and at the same time i believe in loving thy self and fully embracing life.

I don’t live up to either of these halves of my self.

Is this how it feels to everyone?  We’re all a complex grouping of opposite feelings and emotions fighting each other mostly to remain in a precarious sort of balance such that no overly large actions ever take place?

I feel as though if any of my opposite feelings (which are most of them) were to become unbalanced I would likely just start spinning, and spinning, with no clear way of stopping.

I’d just have to hope that there’s a bottom somewhere for me to hit.

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I think I might be broken.  I do things I know are wrong, and unhealthy, partly cause i hate my self, and partly, cause they might make me better, but i know that if they do they will also make me worse, which should be scary, but i don’t feel scared about it anymore.

I just want what i want, i feel very consequences be damned about the whole thing.

It’s a terrible fate, to fix the things you hate about your self in a way were you learn to hate your self more to do it so that later when you’re what you would have considered fixed before you started just isn’t good enough anymore because you hate your self that much more.

There are a few things going on now... a few things i haven't explored as much as i aught to have, largely because I'm no good at that game unless I've got someone to talk to, in this cause I'll have to hope a journal is enough and I don't need any response.

It often has been though.

Firstly, I really hate my body, to the point where is I think about sex and then I show up in my own fantasy I feel a total turn off happen, I swear, I don't think I can come if I think about me at all.

I've lost almost 40 pounds in the last six months, I'm letting people think it's cause I went vegan, but, I'm pretty sure that isn't the whole truth, it's a better truth for the people around me to believe though.

And, since I've lost 40 already, i really don't see how I can want to stop there.

I'm a fucking fat girl, and, I'm tired of it, I want to be thin, thinner than I find attractive even, I want to feel worried that when people touch me I'll break.  I'm tired of being what I am, I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating my own visage.

I can't imagine anyone touching me as I am. 

What is that?  Wanting to be touched more than anything, and yet, being disgusted when anyone does... When someone touches me I feel the way I imagine flowers do as they strain to be closer to the light, and yet even with that feeling coursing through me I tend to draw back if I don't pay attention to my careless actions.

I'm tired of hiding... 

I am in fact just all around worn out.  I want to relax and calm down, trust someone a little more than I know how.  But... I *really* don't know how.

And, I *really* don't think my trust would be treated well.  Cause as over dramatic as it all is, the way I am now is not going to inspire anyone to love me, or touch me or hold me.  Sometimes I feel like my good qualities are leaving me more and more all the time rather than getting greater and bigger and more important, they're minimizing all the time, leaving everything that is left bigger and greater, allowing all the things that disgust me about my self to eat me whole.  Will there be nothing left soon?

Entry one! in secret journal, code name, secret journal!

I have decided i have too many things in my head i want to talk about but don't want to share with people i know, even though i wouldn't mind talking to someone about it.  so, dun, dun, dun, i figured it was time to post somewhere else, where my normal friends wouldn't have to read it, and i wouldn't have to hide while posting.

That's often been a hard concept for me, i don't want to hide, but i don't want people i know to have to read things that are going to stress them out.

I'm too self destructive these days to share all my thoughts with them without needing to worry about someone trying to save me, or something being hurt by me, and i can't be bothered to deal with either of those things.